Not having a good night at all.....feeling bad mentally & physically. Sometimes, I think I must be bipolar! Then, I think about it & realize nope, I'm just the wife of a deployed soldier. Half of my heart is in a faraway land in a war zone....how can I truly be happy for longer than a split second at a time? Seems like lately those split seconds of happiness are coming less & less often. Life just isn't as enjoyable when you don't have that special someone to share it with. I'm supposed to have my husband with me; my kids are supposed to have their daddy!
One minute I'm ok & think I'm handling this situation pretty good....the next minute I'm a mess & crying my eyes out. Even a day is longer than I want my husband to be away from us no matter where he is, much less in Afghanistan, but a YEAR.....that's just too long for families to be separated and on this roller coaster of feelings!
Times like tonight, I just wish I was home! Of course, my first wish is to have my husband back but since I can't have that I wish I could at least be near all my family & have their support. Another bipolar symptom....one minute I am thankful for the experience of living in a different country & the next I just want to be back in little old boring Summerville where everything is familiar. I miss my house & my yard....I miss hanging out by the pool or just sitting on the porch in the swing while the kids swim and play.....I miss walking up to my dad's shop just to say good morning and talking to him while he drinks his coffee or piddles around....I miss shopping trips with my mom & being able to stop by to see them whenever I want.....I miss spending time with all my nieces & nephews & having my kids be able to have their cousins around.....I miss picking up Trae & Taylor every morning for school (although so much has changed since I left I probably wouldn't be doing that either since he can actually drive himself now!!!!).....I miss spending time with my sisters, playing cards or barbecuing & just hanging out.....I miss Sunday visits from my mother-in-law when she would stop by after church.....I miss being close enough to all my friends that we could see each other whenever we wanted to, even if we were all so busy that it wasn't as often as it used to be....I miss all those little things & hate that I am missing out on so much with the people I love in this world!
I shouldn't even be whining & complaining when I know there are people in much tougher situations than I am. I have a husband who I love & who loves me back unconditionally, my kids are healthy, I have a supportive & loving family, some of the best friends ever, a roof over my head, and food to eat. Every time I start feeling sorry for myself, it doesn't take long before I am reminded of just how blessed I am. Every once in awhile though, I have to just let it out & allow myself to be sad without feeling guilty.
When everybody told me the first month was the worst & this would get easier with time, they lied! I just have to keep reminding myself that I am strong enough to do this....my goal is to just survive this deployment without going literally insane, trying my best to stay strong for my family, and attempt to make things as happy and normal for my kids as I can. After all, they are the ones that really matter! They are what keeps me going!
I read a quote yesterday that was so fitting....it said, "the only easy day is yesterday". That is so true. I can't wait until enough yesterdays are behind me that my husband is back in my arms. I bet when we look back on this year, it probably won't seem like it was as hard as it seems right now.
I hate to be such a negative Nancy. It seems like I only get the urge to write when things are going wrong or I'm feeling down. I'm gonna try to do better & start making time to add to my blog when I have something happy to talk about. Nobody wants to keep reading my blog if it's always depressing.
It's bedtime and that means another day closer to the goal. Tomorrow is a new day & I'm going to wake up & be back to my happy self. That's a promise! This deployment is tough, but it's not tougher than me!
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