FOUR MONTHS DOWN, TOO MANY TO GO

As of yesterday, we have 4 months of this deployment behind us! Woo hoo! That means 4 months closer to having my family back together again! For me, it's easier not to count how many weeks or months we have until he comes home, but instead to think about it in terms of the amount of time we've made it through. Some people do the countdown or the 365 kisses in a jar, 1 for each day he's gone, but I simply can't bear to think about it in terms of the number of weeks or days I have left of this empty & scared feeling.

The first 4 months of this deployment has already taught me a lot. I've learned that the saying "you never know how strong you are until you have to be" isn't just something someone made up for you to say when someone is going through a hard time & you don't know what else to say - it's really true. I am not the gullible or naive type, yet this has still been 100 times harder than I ever imagined but I can do this. It's not something I want to do but every day I get up & somehow find the strength to do it, because there's no other choice.  

I've learned there will be good days & bad days, and that the nights are always the hardest. I now know that 4 months can feel like 4 years when you have to live it without the one person in the world who completes you.

I also quickly figured out that I need to find a balance between keeping my husband informed of the things going on here with me & the kids so that he doesn't feel left out while trying not to burden him with the day-to-day issues that he can't do anything about except worry & feel guilty about for not being here to help me; some days I succeed with that goal & some days not so much.

There are still things I'm trying to learn. The main one is how not to worry so much although I have been doing better than I thought I would. I am the type of person who always thinks the worst.....expect the worst but hope for the best is what I've always said. When it comes to this though, I have to think different unless I want to go completely crazy...I just try to have faith & tell myself no matter what I know he's coming home safe to me. I still struggle with that though. On days I don't hear from him, I have to push those negative thoughts out of my mind. Now that it's getting warmer & even more dangerous over there, that's getting harder & harder to do. Everyday I'm seeing news reports and hearing of attacks & incidents that are hitting all too close to home. That means a lot of extra praying for him & all the other soldiers over there who all have families at home loving and missing them.

The main thing I've learned is to cherish every day & make the most of it. Never take the people you love for granted. I have always tried to show & tell my husband how much I love him but even more so now. Not that I ever questioned it, but this deployment has proved to me that our love can make it through anything. In some ways, it's even made us closer. When I start feeling sorry for myself, I just think about how lucky I am to have such a special person in my life that loves me so much to miss, and I wouldn't trade that feeling for anything!